Online Pick Up Artist-

The day of my date with "Online Date Girl #4-Stinky Tofu,” I was communicating with another girl via text, named Annie. Annie had a profile name that had elements of both my first and last name, so the obvious thing to do was to make a joke of it, and say that I hoped that her profile name were elements from her real name because then we would have the same name and when we got married she wouldn’t have to change her name at all. I then compared us to the Brangelina’s, saying how much better our combined name would be because it was the same for both of us.

She loved it. Ate it up like candy. She was hooked, so now all I had to do was keep it going until the meet up. Her name wasn’t exactly the same, but it started a fun theme, making it look like serendipity brought us together. Guys, this is important. If you can somehow make it seem like magic brought the two of you together, you are way ahead in the game. Think of all of the lame stories women have been brought up with about meeting a knight in shining armor. About fate bringing two people together to share an undying love. If you can tap into these archetypes, you are golden. I was golden…briefly.

In her response she also included her phone number and said that we should meet up. Now, this was surprisingly quick. Not only was this quick, but this was unprecedented. I had not yet had a girl either offer her number first or initiate a meet up. Should this have been a warning sign, I don’t know. I texted her the next day, saying, “Hey 'Brangelina' (real compound name omitted for privacy), this is Brangelina. Blah blah blah.”

She wrote back saying, “Hi Brangelina! Blah blah blah.” She was loving it. The next day the texts continued, but right before I was to meet another girl (Date Girl number 4), I had a stroke of genius for a date idea. Now, let me preface this with a disclaimer: I did not really want to marry this girl. So I texted her asking if she knew how to act. She replied, “isn’t life an act.” I then said, “At times it can be, but you’re only really living when you don’t have to act.” She replied, “Totally! When you’re with that someone who you can be totally real with! Daverie!!” I then told her that we should go to a bridal store and try on tux’s and dresses before getting dinner to discuss the wedding plans.” She loved it.

Now, I didn’t really think we would go through with trying on clothes…but I was prepared and actually thought it would be fun. She acted like she wanted to, but I sensed her being hesitant as the day came closer to meet up, so I backed off on the idea and instead said we should just meet for food, as the bridal places needed reservations.

We met for Shabu Shabu after five days of texting, without a single phone call. She texted me right as I arrived, saying that she knew how important first impressions were, but she was running late and was sorry. I wrote back saying, “Brangelina, I think we’re past first impression. Don’t worry, it happens.”

She showed up 20 minutes late, apologizing after hugging me. She was wearing a colorful dress, and while she was looking funky, she was maybe looking a little too funky and slutty for my tastes. Also, she had color contacts that were brown. These are somewhat of red flags for me, though I am not one to judge just from appearances. We started talking, and it went well, distracting us from ordering. We ordered, talked, ate, talked, and in the midst of it I through in a few arm pinches, knee pinches, and a light hand slap (for this one, I take their hand as if I’m going to kiss it, and then I lightly slap it. If I don’t have a reason for it, I’ll ask if they’re wearing make-up. When they say that they are, I take their hand, slap it, and tell them the slap is for cheating.) She kino’d (short for kinesthetic…aka, touching) me as well, and it seemed like things were going well. We fed each other food, and after we finished (Yeah, I picked up the bill. Again, for those looking to save dough, don’t go to a restaurant.)

She pretended like she was going to pay for half AFTER I had already got the check back, but I told her instead that she could buy me a drink. She didn’t drink alcohol because she was allergic, so we instead went to find coffee or tea. On the short walk to a Boba shop, she was walking very close to me, and there was some incidental contact. I asked if she liked boba, and she indeed loved it while asking me how I knew about it, had I dated Asian girls before. I didn’t answer her directly, instead telling her, that she was the only girl I had actually EVER dated. Guys, if a girl asks you something that could make you look bad, don’t lie, just don’t answer it. This is your world, and you are like an evil clown, living life for your own pleasure and not caring what anyone thinks of you. This is the type of behavior that rock stars and rich, famous people have. They don’t need the validation of one silly girl, as they have been validated many, many times before.

So we get our boba, and she says she wants to go for a walk instead of sitting. I should have thought of that. There are too many people around at a coffee shop, so this allows intimacy and is a bit romantic without being romantic. It’s very important to get a girl to move locations with you, and the more the better. This creates a bit of a time warp, making a girl feel like they’ve been with you longer than they actually have. This is a good technique to use at a club, too. Tell them that you want to show them something amazing, and then make a joke of it and take them to see a light fixture or something silly (credit Mehow)…Well, that’s all for now folks. Until next time.